A bit of this, a bit of that!

LIFE IN THE 1500′S-

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by
June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby
out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they
lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would
eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a
couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig
up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a …dead ringer..

And that’s the truth…Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some
time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, ‘Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

‘ I found the remote,’ he mumbled.

============================================================

Don’t you wish that you had written this? ……

Dear Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to

understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and

telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in

1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on

what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every

Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I

have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you

still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with

contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am

watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the

government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will

keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.

Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one

with all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It’s on

my health insurance card, my driver’s licence, on the last four passports

I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out

before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and

all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the

electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our

lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead

on the 4th of March 1957, my mother’s name is Mary, her maiden name was

Reynolds, my father’s name is Robert, and I’d be absolutely astounded if

that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I’m obviously not myself this morning. But between you

and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then

you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of

Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin

Laden? I don’t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God’s sake! I just want

to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of

week’s well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get

another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to

the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to

have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new

passport the same day? But nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make

sense. You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with

our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it’s really me on

the goddamn picture - you know… the one where we’re not allowed to smile

in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!

Hey, you know why we can’t smile? ‘Cause we’re totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years

at the Ministry of Defence inLondon. I have had security clearances which

allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime

Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been

doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the

Services.

However, I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am —

you know, someone like my doctor… who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago ….

WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN !?!?!

Yours sincerely,

An Irate British Citizen.

Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles phones with evidence of fight are confiscated. Both are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Mobile phone video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario 2: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and never disrupts the class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death.
Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because
Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.

Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad
gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normally, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist convinces Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails GCSE English.

1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed’s cause is taken up by local human rights group.
Newspaper articles appear nationally, insisting that making English a requirement in school is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher.
English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model
plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes
on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly with American airlines ever again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His
teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy; becomes gay.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————–
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
—————————— ——– —————————–
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me..”
——————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
——————————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
——————————————————————-
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told
———————————————– ———- ———-
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
——————————————————————-
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
——————————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————————-
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
——————————————————————-
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

But the problem is we still go to them at least once a week so all that is written in this post is so hypocritical.

(I’ve hated them for a while now but I guess I don’t hate them enough to handle the inconvenience of not using them, what with both myself and my wife working full time blah, blah blah, excuses excuses.)

 I thought that I loathed them because of the way they are destroying local shops, how every one looks the same so that no town seems to have an seperate identity etc etc. But then today I had reason to visit a producer of  pure farm produced apple juices. You can picture the story, gave up one job, sold up moved to the countryside, pressed some apples by hand and sold the juice at a farmers market, got bigger, invested, worked hard.

Now in talking to this chap I realised why I loath supermarkets. He began by selling his apples to supermarkets but soon felt that he had to stop because the only thing they were interested in was apples that were all the same. Same size, same shape and same colour. They had NO interest in taste or smell. Why I hear you ask! Because that’s what the public want the supermarkets say. Is this TRUE? Do you all want identical fruit, vegetables whatever, do you all have no interest in taste?

Anyhow this guy wasn’t going to put up with this so told the supermarkets to shove it. Stopped selling apples to them and sold them only at farmers markets, and moved the resultant surplus into juice production. Now has a thriving juice business as more and more people want local, pure juices.

The other major problem I have with supermarkets (this is turning into a rant) is the way that they take on these local farmers as suppliers, set impossibly high specifications and impossibly low prices then build the business with the particular farmer until he is beholding to the supermarket and then ask for yet cheaper prices. Result farmer operates uneconomically or loses his livlihood.

By the way the apples at this farm looked like apples, none were identical to any other one, they tasted great and smelt great and the juice tasted great. 

End of rant.

When is someone in government, power, authority whatever phrase you want to use going to come out and say that this type of behaviour is forewarning of a society splitting into two. We are finding ourselves with the majority of people that have one set of values and a small but growing minority that seem to have little or no values at all. I know many people will say that there has always been ‘bad’ people about and I am sure that is true but has there ever been so many people in society that operate on the basis of purely doing whatever they wish and to hell with everyone else? Indeed has there ever been so many people whose only way of expressing themselves has been through violence? Indeed are we not now seeing violence perpetrated as ’fun’, enjoyable?

What example can we think of that is not as extreme as ‘happy slapping’ the mere name of which expresses the thought processes of the perpetrators?

How many of you know someone who has been involved in a minor traffic accident, it may be even just a small bump in the supermarket carpark, or a poorly executed maneuver that is a minor inconvenience to someone? Now most of us would apologise, or if required exchange numbers and insurance details and move on, today it is not uncommon to find oneself in such a situation receiving a torrent of foul mouthed abuse and even physical violence.

Society seems to be moving towards a ‘I want it now and come hell or high water, I’m going to get it now’ attitude rather than considering whether one can afford it, or whether it’s right to have whatever the ‘it’ maybe. Many people’s natural reaction to an issue or problem is a violent one.

We have such a ‘weak’ government that rather than operating on principle operate on the basis of how to be inoffensive. They need to come out and state what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and if people act unacceptably then there will be consequences. Now this is not some right wing rant; in fact I’m very centrist; but it is the musings of a pretty mainstream guy who is genuinely concerned about the way we are going.

ITN - Tuesday, February 12 09:31 am

‘Scientists believe they have found evidence of a tiny pterodactyl in China. The toothless flying reptile has been studied at Brazil’s national museum, where it was found to have a wing span of just 250 millimetres (9.8 inches) and unexpectedly-curved toes.

Most pterodactyl fossils are found in coastal areas but this specimen was discovered in the western part of China’s Liaoning province, which would have been covered in forest 120 million years ago.

As a result, scientists have called the reptile “Nemicolopterus crypticus,” which means ‘hidden flying forest dweller’,

Palaeontologist Alexander Kellner said: “The fundamental importance of this discovery is that it opens up a new chapter in the history of evolution of these flying reptiles.

“So far, we never knew that these animals were adapted to live in the canopies of the trees, which is the case of the Nemicolopterus.”

The tiny fossilised reptile has a skull that is not fully fused, so it died before reaching adulthood, but the ends of the bones were developed, so it was not a hatchling either.’

 What a fantastic discovery. Here we are in the early part of the 21st Century and we are still making major discoveries about the world on which we live and the animals that have inhabited it.  However we need to be on our guard, some people would read a story like this and have a very different take on it, being as the world was created as it is now some 10,000 years ago! It’s easy to laugh about this but there are front running politicians in the US who are creationists.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7129882.stm

Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not
producing harmful and polluting methane gases?Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.I shall of course be voting for your Party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

I’m finding myself with very mixed feelings at the moment. My eldest son finished his ‘A’ Levels last summer, did very well indeed, got into the university he wanted but decided to have a gap year first. Now this was something we had actively encouraged as a means to broadening his horizons etc etc. He worked hard from July to Christmas to get the money together and then left for Australia in early January. He is expected back in early July after also visiting New Zealand and SE Asia.

So why the mixed feelings? It’s great he is now an independent adult, isn’t it, and we should feel proud that we have brought up such a person and we do but still there is a great sense of something being missing from the family and then there is the worry of how he’s getting on.

But I can hear you all saying ‘what’s he on about, he’s just feeling how all parents feel when a child flees the nest’. I know but it makes no difference.

Son Two is growing up as well, we went to the England game (quality time!) yesterday (what’s that cliche about it being a game of two halves, if you saw the game you’ll know what I mean?) and I found myself having a beer with him before kick off, seems like only five minutes since he was in nappies.

I’m not complaining really I’m not, in fact it’s all probably part of starting to feel old. I’m having that spooky feeling recently that when I have a shave some old bloke seems to be staring back at me and yet the view from this side when no mirror is involved doesn’t seem to have changed!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large emu with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 dingos will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.”In honour of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

Miami Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder has admitted not knowing people speak English in London.

The NFL player might want to check a map before he gets on board a plane for Sunday’s prestige game against the New York Giants at Wembley Stadium.

Crowder, who comes from Atlanta in Georgia, may be praised on the field, but confessed geography was not his strong point.

He admitted he did not know until now where London was - or that Londoners spoke English.

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” he said.

“I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.”

Crowder added: “I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him.

“That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

The Miami Dolphins are play the New York Giants at Wembley this Sunday in the first NFL regular-season game to be played outside the United States.

Well all I can say is ’God help the US education system if this is what they are producing!

I guess that it’s not every day that you get the chance to go to one of the above and then to one of the more famous cities in the world. Well this weekend we had a great time going - here

Blenheim Palace, what an extraordinary place. More info than I can give you here is available at:-

http://www.blenheimpalace.com/
This is the garden pond!

On a serious note the disparity between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ in those days (The Palace was created to celebrate victory over the French during the Wars of the Spanish Succession. In particular it was a gift to the First Duke of Marlborough. He was the military commander who skilfully led the Allied forces into battle on 13th August 1704 at Blindheim (Blenheim); must have been even more huge than it is today as the palace cost in the region of £300,000 to build over 28 years when the average wage of a skilled man was about £75 per annum.

We then went onto Oxford, a city I have been to many times before but one that never ceases to amaze me.

‘Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

I just noticed the date and thought that I must post about something otherwise June 07 would be the first month without a post since I started this blog what seems ages ago.

Why haven’t I been posting I guess is the question. Well I have just been very uninspired, busy with a new job and found other blogs seem to be developing into either the ranting type , the my life MUST be interesting to you all type (NO) or the specialised blog on a particular subject. My blog by the very nature of its name is not one of these.

I guess I could have written about the terrible loss of the little girl in Portugal but then what else is there to be said, I could comment about Gordon Brown but he is too awful to contemplate let alone comment on. The weather’s been awful, in fact the worst June on record but then anyone who thinks that the weather is as it should be worldwide is in cukkoo land.

So what’s left, well I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago - so what I hear you cry, and quite right too it’s of no interest at all. Son 1 has just finished his A levels, a fact of no interest to anyone other than his parents and himself.

Time to stop methinks! 

Battle at Kruger

An amazing piece of amateur wilodlife photography, well worth watching.

As anyone who has read this blog before will probably know I am a fan of F1. Now today was not a vintage race but yet again Lewis Hamilton drove superbly and quite unbelievably after his 4th Grand Prix is now leading the championship. He is  a huge talent. Note not a ‘huge black talent’. Now here’s the question, Mr Hamilton has a black father and a white mother, so why is he called ‘black’. Indeed why does it seem that anyone with even a drop of black blood in them goes around calling themselves black? I am genuinely curious. Hamilton is as white as he is black, isn’t he?

Bound to piss off many but here goes.

I do wish that I’d written it!